Note to self: You have a bigger God, worry not.

Work is still difficult. I am not making progress and I have a timeline that I need to strictly follow in order to keep up with the ever challenging project that I've committed into for the next 8 months. Mind you, it just keeps getting worse but it also keeps getting better at the same time. Well, there's too much to learn, too much to do. It's good for the body, it's great for the brain knowing that it still has capacity to unearth/decipher these knowledge that I am trying to/gaining right now. I still applied in another company though, not because I am weak enough to handle stress but because I am just trying to find out if there is a better option out there. I am hoping, of course, that I find one. Yet, I am also praying that I'd be damn good in what I am doing in this project. At this point, I don't really know what I want. This I tell to myself today: I have a bigger God, worry not. Just like in so many instances today and in the past, Jesus will save me. Today, I got my salary, it's higher than what I am usually receiving. I did not get a raise nor I have overtimes for the previous month. For whatever reason, it just came when I needed it most. There are countless times in the past where I did not expect that He will give me blessings, they came in the darkest hours when I walked face-down and felt like I had no one. All prayers that are left unanswered are meant to teach us valuable lessons, I guess.

Note to self: "Let it go and Let's go"

I must be overwhelmed with everything that's been going on to be able to post two blog entries in 24 hours. I am realizing now how I missed writing and I am regretting that I deleted my old blog which I started way back in college. Writing can be a therapy in a way that you organize the thoughts that are circulating inside your head for the whole day, weeks or months of over-thinking them. When I jot my thoughts down, I somehow see what's wrong and what's triggering my anxiety. The best part of blogging is the encouragement that we tell to ourselves that for the most part uplift our spirits and somehow makes us feel okay again. A pat in the back or a hug from a friend can also motivate us but there are things that only ourselves can understand The moment we tell ourselves that "you can overcome this", it somehow becomes the final say in the situation and the next thing you know you are already creating a "to-do" list in order to fulfill what you say to yourself. After my last post, everything just became clearer to me, I had a sense of purpose, I had an urge to work and learn more. For the first time in the long time, I didn't feel that my body is just dragging me to the office. I am feeling that this is a good start. =) Of course, I still have issues, there will always be issues unfortunately. This one is about a mistake that I made which led to a critical control incident. It was my last day in my old process and I was trying to fix everything before I leave for my new role and before I take a few days off from the office. When I got back, I discovered the harsh reality that I did something wrong and stupid. I reported it right away to my manager and it became a big deal. I am the kind of person who finds it hard to forgive myself when I commit mistakes. I will have sleepless night feeling sorry about the mistake that I made and I tell myself how stupid I am. I dwell on it. I spend time over analyzing about the cause of my mistake. Note to self: "Let it go and let's go. Let's go move on. I maybe judged as incompetent by that failure but what happened already happened. No one can change it. All the more that I have to work harder and prove them wrong. Tomorrow is another tough day and because of that tomorrow is another chance to get tougher.

Note to self: "make an effort, work harder"

I can feel it. It's a very strong sensation taking over me. Voices in my head, whispers in my ear, saying "You could not do it", just find a new job and get a fresh start. I've been recently part of a project team in our office, a lot of people dream to have this role. It was offered to me since I was the only one they could move without much turnover needed. The thing is, it's turning out that it wasn't what I thought it would be. Or it could also be, that it's just too different than what my previous job was, it totally feels like I am out of my comfort zone. First of all, I am not a talker but a thinker. Sure, I do have questions but my ways are set to finding the answers on my own and if I couldn't that's the time I would ask. So when there are presentations, I would imagine what they are describing or pointing out and if something does not make sense to me, I'll just leave it at that and make a mental note to myself to figure it out when the actual work comes. This won't do in this project as we should be thinking ahead and start firing our what if's and all the things that are unclear so that by the time this project is implemented, we should have identified and eliminated all the possible issues. If you're working in a multinational company with a name as big as this, the bosses wouldn't accept anything that isn't a first time right. Why in the first place they hired us for this???? Second, I don't do presentations, I simply can't. Not since I performed in an auditorium and forgot the lyrics to the song I was singing . After that, every presentation that involves an audience became a nightmare for me, I become nauseous, my fingers sweat, butterflies all over my stomach. I always feel that I'd do something stupid to embarrass myself. Third, I don't feel confident about my skills. Blame it to the "auditorium" experience that I encountered and never will forget. Also, I always have this thinking that there are so many others that can do this job better than me. Back in high-school, I wasn't the brightest student, I never got any honor rolls even if half of the class did. I was even at the bottom ten. I wasn't making any effort as I always thought it would mean nothing in the end. Hah!!! I am kinda stupid at this, I know. Those are why I am thinking of just getting out of this mess, leave the intellects at what they do best. I don't want to be branded as the dumbest of them all. But then again, a small voice inside my head says I can conquer this. Just like in college, when I thought I could not do Accounting, I was the only one among my friends who passed the BSA program with unexpectedly high grades. In the board exam, among my high school friends who also took the course, I was the only one who passed it in my first try. In the game of sudoku among my peers, I finished way way ahead of everyone (just trying to uplift my spirit). As luck would have it, my first project in this company, they sent me to Canada for a 6 weeks training and it was a successful migration. So maybe, I am just running through a difficult phase right now. Hopefully, this is just a struggle and in the end it will be a beautiful win. I am making a note to myself, as I type right now, Make an effort!!! Work harder!!! ! I owe this to the manager who  picked me for this project. I owe this to this company who made my dream came true when I traveled abroad on a first class plane. I owe this to my friends who keep saying there's more to me that what I led them on. Lastly, I owe this to myself, maybe I can bounce back from that terrible experience in HS and finally overcome my phobia. It's 1:45 pm, I just have 3 hrs of sleep for today, I have to be at the office by 3 pm. Soldier on, nica. This ain't gonna be easy breezy. The tides are coming. Be prepared and alert.